many thoughts running through my mind recently. well, i know what you guys went through..the crap you put up with me. really sorry for that.
i dunno bout you all..but i feel weird. u asked me many questions to why i acted this way..why i feel this way. when i say that "it's just me" it doesn't seem to be satisfactory. and i feel somehow that all u want is answers to why my actions are so questionable, and it doesn't sit well with you.
all right, i agree that what i've just typed above may be just insecurity voicing out and the devil's advocate in me, telling me you all just want answers, not reassurance. but i should know better.
thank you to you three(you know who you are) for sticking with me. in person, somehow the words just don't form. and i feel a need to further explain my actions..i don't know why.
for being so irritated these past weeks, i still don't think it's the stress. yes, i do try to study more. but if i am stressed up, it would be more toward personal issues.
why i didn't tell you all some stuff is because i myself am not sure. i don't want to admit it either. please accept this..i can't just go up and blurt it out because i'm confused myself.
for being so temperamental & moody, i guess it's my way of pushing all away. i just need my own space. and also, i have come to realise that why i'm this way sometimes is that i just can't be as happy as you guys are..sometimes i just can't laugh. and i can't pretend to laugh..i stay true to my emotions. that's why you may call me moody coz i just show it. others hide it. which is better? i don't know.
right. i don't know what to say anymore. but i have realized over the course of this 2 years, all that we have assumed & justified..let's stop it. doesn't do no good at all. it changes your impression, then your perception, then your attitude. a vicious cycle of events.
anyway don't worry..i'm really gonna try to change..stop being so crappy. bah. takes a lot of time, effort, and courage-it ain't easy.
God Bless ya all
illuminated. 9:42 PM
Saturday, September 18, 2004
prelims effectively end today..what a relief. anyway, the verdict is out for Maths & Econs: they should be HANGED for murdering me. evil i tell you, evil. haizz...oh well! some loser(hehe) says to forgive them for being evil..bahhhh. i shall triumph over them..in the 'A's..pray for me yeah =)
went for steamboat at marina bay today with family and some other family friends. woo man..i've become a bloaty belly hahaha! well we were on the mrt, and were talking about how mobile phones have evolved so that everyone wants one with colour and equipped with cameras as well. then, my dear father took out the Nokia 8250 and pretended it had a cam and pretended to take pix with it! geez sooo embarrassing haha..the other passengers were like staring at us. oh well! my parents are super duper cool..no parent can be as lame as them =D then, coz my bag strap has the badge "Got Brains?" on it(courtesy of lump), my mum had to say "Put another badge with "Got Guts?" on the other strap!" like..ha.ha. =X geez. well, overall a great time, pigging out and being a glutton(yep, not indulgence) haha!
yay going to church once again..ciao!
illuminated. 11:49 PM
Sunday, September 12, 2004
To the young female teacher of Greenwood Primary: "One rotten apple spoils the whole bunch." And how much this quote is reinforced by your words and your actions today.
Positive feedback? I do dismiss what you said as that. Complaints and sarcasm did nothing to improve the already tense atmosphere that anyone(if they had eyes to see) could feel and so they would refrain from making things even harder for us.
And your stance: arms folded, eyes shooting daggers at me.
Tough to ignore, but I did it. At first.
you: could you please switch on the fan over there? I think it's hot enough already. you: yeah, so they are going to sit on the floor and do the test (when the chairs weren't available yet, and I was searching frantically for more)
I am simply utterly amazed and astounded that one can possess such great powers of deduction and think up new ways of taking a test!
All you did was stand there, kick up a fuss, and complain about how poorly run the whole event was. undoubtedly it was badly organised, but what created more chaos and a hint of high blood pressure that would occur in my later years on my part was your inability to be more co-operative and understand that we were trying very hard to make things run smoothly.
the ultimate: telling your fellow teacher that I have a bad attitude. please remove the plank in YOUR own eye and see why i could not contain myself and lashed out at you. your own bad attitude instigated me to do so. and yet you still waltz around thinking you know how to run the whole show? proud loser.
still, i am truly grateful for the many other teachers around who understood the situation: the Malay woman teacher, the ACSJ teacher who told me not to be upset. Thank you.
My parents always wanted me to be a teacher. After this? No way. But i am comtemplating being a relief teacher at Greenwood Primary after my 'A's.i'll show the world what a good and true teacher is like.
--END--
illuminated. 1:32 AM
Friday, September 10, 2004
When i think about the Lord When I think about the Lord
How He saved me
How He raised me
How He filled me with the Holy Ghost
How He healed me to the uttermost
When I think about the Lord
How He picked me up and turned me around
How He placed my feet on solid ground
It makes me wanna shout
Hallejulah
Thank You Jesus
Lord You're worthy
Of all the glory
And all the honour
And all the praise
*let my life be like a love song unto Your heart*
illuminated. 10:58 PM
femme
izzabelle/izzy/bel.
a melody that reaches to Heaven.
found to be lost in words.
solitude in late nights & alone time.
penchant for ice cream & chocolate.
adores(almost to bits) the cutest dog ever.
izzabelle/izzy/bel.