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Tuesday, March 29, 2005

REJOICE! for this is the day that the Lord has made

honestly speaking, i didn't feel like serving in the choir the past sunday. i was physically tired, leading to me being spiritually tired, and on and on goes the vicious cycle. and three of the songs to be sung in Speedlight had actions to go along with it, so it's like u gotta have this upbeat personality and really do the actions right? i didn't feel like i had it in me. this energy, this zest. then in prayer before the service started, the leader exhorted us to really focus on God and do everything for Him. And i decided to do just that. the service began, and as i did the actions, i could feel a lifting of my spirit. it's like, u believe in what u sing and do the actions for God. i suddenly realized i couldn't care less what the congregation thought of me, whether i was doing the actions correctly or looked like a complete fool in doing so. simply put, i enjoyed myself serving the Lord on stage. it wasn't so much as being too caught up with the songs & actions, but that i wanted to do all that for God. I think God really helped me; he put this desire to want to sing for Him and do the actions for Him in me and gave me the strength & courage to do so.

You have turned my mourning into dancing; You have turned my sorrow into joy!

and then my choir leaders spoke to us during practice. on how we shouldn't give a half-hearted service as this would not reflect well on us at all when it comes to Judgment Day. also on how "the truth shall set you free". as i mused on that later, i finally understood what it meant. (My interpretation here)Truth is truth, and in believing in it, in speaking it, you shall have liberation. It shall set u free from all condemnation, sin, whatever, because it is the truth. and i felt liberated in the choir that day. not so much as suddenly going crazy & overboard, but i found the true meaning in doing the actions.

Jesus You are the saviour of my soul!

another confession: i've probably never really been at ease in my ministry, but gradually i'm changing. when i first joined, i felt super exposed there. like a stiff mannequin. then, i learnt how to close my eyes and sway without fearing i'd fall. after that i dared to join in free worship. and this process goes on for me.

This is how we overcome!

we must always set our hearts right to focus on God in serving Him. i've realised servitude only gets monotonous because we have left Jesus out of it. it's true then, what my cg leader said, that serving is really a partnership with God, not only giving to Him.

Psalm 103:1 - 5
Praise the Lord, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

illuminated. 1:35 PM

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

just to get it all off my chest.

i met this supperr bitchy woman at work today. it was only she and her friend who arrived later. i showed her to a table for 2, and she wanted to sit at a table for 4 even though i told her she couldn't. she didn't say a single word and as my colleague the host led her around she just stoned and then suddenly plonked herself to sit at a table for 4 ppl without a word. like, hello? stupid bitch. seriously i was so pissed off. thinking she's so great, she ignores even lowly waiters & waitresses like us? at least have the basic courtesy to say you wanna sit there. getting riled up just talking about it. grrr.

got irritated as well with a colleague who ordered me around. like, wth? and he only worked there for six days. i've been working for over 2 months man. and i don't even order ppl, i would ask them to help me do it. guess this is an attack on my pride, but i just swallowed it and obeyed him. i didn't wanna create any trouble. but i think i shouldn't be a pushover. i mean, you should know where you stand right? a newbie ordering ppl around is crap lah. bahh.

and i kinda got a female guest upset too coz i told her the drink she ordered had no ice cream when there was. and for another female guest, i didn't realise the empty plate had water on it and as i picked it up to clear it the water sloshed onto her. her mum gave me a dirty look. but geez i couldn't even see the damn water lahh.



so help me God.

illuminated. 1:26 AM

Sunday, March 13, 2005

l i f e s t y l e s of the r i c h and the f a m o u s - just visited a really huge mansion today. swimming pool, three plus living rooms, marble and parquet flooring...dunno what else. the size of one living room is the size of my whole house i bet. geez. oozing with opulence. when i stepped in, was overwhelmed with a sense of "The O.C.". that kinda dig: pool in the centre, tables set around it, buffet tables with chefs in those white tall hats. i had a really cool time wandering around and getting to know the sons of the host. hahaha. they're really nice, no airs at all. hmmph. wonderful to be living a life like that huh. but well..i'm all right with what i have. =)

illuminated. 1:31 AM

Saturday, March 12, 2005

shutmeup.

sometimes we say what we don't mean. sometimes we don't mean what we say. and i seem to fall into both these categories of slip-ups almost everyday. for instance, i kinda laughed at someone's name(my bro's friend) coz i thought he was chinese! i mean who in their right minds would name their son tamil? then my brother told me his friend's name was a truncated version. and he's indian. and i'm not racist or anything. but over the phone, that friend of my brother's really sounded chinese...and i didn't mean to be rude! i wasn't even laughing at his name, it was at the thought that somebody would name a person that. and once when i was at a coffeeshop recently, a skimpily dressed woman suddenly emerged behind me, and i was like "woah"(it was a natural reflex reaction!), shook my head and smiled a lil. sighh..then i think a man nearby got offended by what i said & did. but i really wasn't laughing derisively at a prostitute! like what for man.

so there i am, expressing my most natural reactions, emotions, whatnot. and i get slammed fer it. right, it's easy to misunderstand; many a time we all do. life's irony: as we get older, it gets harder and harder for us to say what we really feel. look at the bootlicker polishing the shoes of his boss with words of lavish praise when he's thinking evil thoughts of his boss all the time. or we ladies go "it's fa-booo-lous!" when actually the big garish polka-dot print makes one wanna puke. shouldn't life be that when we get older, we are able to discern truth from falsity; genuine concern from fake sincerity; light from dark? seems only babies & toddlers can get away with blunt showing of their emotions/feelings. who can get offended when they innocently mention stuff that makes your face go red, stuff that you would rather keep stuffed in the deepest recesses of non-existence?

let me be a peter pan and fly away to neverland.

illuminated. 12:41 AM

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

arghh. made many mistakes today at work..and i feel quite bad about not changing a customer's drink as she wanted iced mocha vanilla but ordered iced mocha. hmmph. thought i couldn't do so. anyway, it was soo hectic and busy..perspiring like mad..geez. glad i finally got off work.

* some long-overdue thanksgiving to God:
-my math actually passed. hooray. given that i got straight Fs throughout my 2 years in JC. hahaha
-some friends did well =) gd fer them
-everyone who bothered to sms me or come up to me & ask about my results..really touched by all the concern shown. soo sweeet

that's all fer now. cheerioo

illuminated. 12:38 AM

Tuesday, March 08, 2005


I'm exceptionally artistic! Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com


Virtues: You look for immense creativity and individuality in people, including yourself. You're not happy with anything less than brilliant, and you focus on being expressive. You value energy, liveliness, and upbeat personalities, but you're not supportive of moodiness when you yourself can be unreliably moody. Seeking activity, you like the bustle of business but need the secluded atmosphere of a studio or private corner.

Aspirations: You feel the need to express your talents, whether it be through writing, drawing, singing, dancing, composing, performing, or photographing. While you strive to ever improve your work, you want to display it as soon as possible when your impatience kicks in. You want to be a prodigy but you might not have the means right at your fingertips. Trust me, do NOT move to New York to do it. Yeesh!

Quirks: Conformists bother you because of their lack of individuality. You're often late or unreliable. You're showy and refuse to share the spotlight. You only tell little white lies. You worm your way into the hearts of others, but be careful; some people despise the show-offs.

Factors: Surround yourself with activity and you'll always have material to work with. Involve friends and family in your projects so they don't feel like envious outsiders.

Future: Show business or not, you'll settle down happily if you're among those who appreciate your natural talents and desire to perform. Don't stay in one place too long, and don't be too hasty in defining your relationships. Who are you to judge what only time will tell?


so maybe i should go design/theatre studies. get an impressive portfolio. shock the world and burst onto the scene, making loads of money and having my every whim & fancy satisfied.




or maybe i can just head back down to reality.


illuminated. 12:08 AM

Friday, March 04, 2005

three months since the last A level paper. and day by day, week by week, they've whizzed past, right up to TODAY. the day of judgment. when i see the dreaded piece of paper that somehow also signifies my future. boy am i so not looking forward to it. i really can't predict my results. heck, i don't wanna try. my inside feels twisted up; this constant "empty" feeling in me. it's just like when you're watching a horror movie and the music builds up, swelling, getting higher in pitch, emphasising the shadow of a man wielding a knife...that exact feeling of not knowing what'll happen next, where the story's gonna turn to.

my imagination's going off on its own happy run. i shall not type down the positive nor the negative scenarios just in case one actually comes true. what am i gonna do when i see the slip? cry, laugh, stone, get moody? i remember my O levels. yep i almost cried coz i got A1 for my english(was a B3 for my prelims). and my other subs did averagely well too. truly a miracle that my A maths & E maths could get B3. that was definitely by God's grace..i mean, my maths was predicted(by my own maths teacher no less)to get a C. but now this A level..it's an entirely different story. God help me.

faith. that's all i have.


peace of mind. that's all i need.


satisfaction with my results. that's all i want.

illuminated. 2:37 AM

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

just read Amy Tan's A Bonesetter's Daughter. great read..transports you back into the times of old China, with bound feet and women that should be seen and not heard. reminds me of Lit class, on the book we did by Maxine Hong Kingston, The Woman Warrior:Memoirs of a Girlhood among Ghosts. in the latter, one particular line of the story goes "insane people only have one talk-story that they tell over and over again." that went through my head when i was at tamp mrt yesterday. there was this mad man who kept shouting "DIE" and mumbled on and on to himself. everyone kept a good distance away from him, but the poor people already in the carriage of the train he sat in had to endure his,how shall we call it, lunacy? i wonder what goes on in these people's minds. at the coffee club, we have this indian man-curly hair, unkempt, mumbling to himself-who always walks past touching every single thing he sees, the posts, the fountain, and even drinks the water in the 'pool' there. gross. a colleague told me he actually peed at some bushes behind once. i mean, what possesses these people(pardon the pun) to behave in this way? is it some cruel hold the Devil has on them? or have they just allowed themselves to degenerate into their own deluded world, a world of their own? maybe to them it's their way of escapism. we who are not insane practice that in many forms: some may throw themselves into meaningless relationships, one after the other, to satisfy the void they feel in their lives. some bury themselves in work, in the hustle and bustle of city life. some enjoy the thrill of materialistic pursuits, helping the economy go on churning. others try daredevil stunts- nothing stops these fearless people who have a carpe diem spirit. and the list goes on and on, a neverending spiral of avenues we all seek to avoid reality, to diminish the hollowness we feel inside.

guess it shows the insane and the sane aren't so different after all.

illuminated. 7:32 PM


femme

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting izzabelle/izzy/bel.
a melody that reaches to Heaven.
found to be lost in words.
solitude in late nights & alone time.
penchant for ice cream & chocolate.
adores(almost to bits) the cutest dog ever.

loved

jinx.
lumpy.
melia.
bigben.
panda.
liecong.
kenmando.
kit.
liony.
reena.
lin.
rachel.
benfoo.
douglet.
alvarn.
laureen.
enting.
drea.
peixuan.
darioos.
angie.
claressa.
missyfun.
firstrowrachel.
linda.
roy.
priscilla.
flannery.
e-james.
gabriel.
andy.
zhixian.
cuzedwin.

praise

The Lord is faithful to all His promises, and loving towards all He has made.
- Psalm 145:13

whisper


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