Tuesday, January 31, 2006
A Tribute
Tan Kim Kee1930 - 2006
time would not stop still for me.
thursday evening of the 26th of January, 5:13pm
no one beside you
yet i wished for the minutes to fly by, the taxi to speed up
but i was too late.
i remember your words, your last few words.
be filial; listen to your mum.
heart aching as your cries of "Nurse!" filled
the room. where once
delicious smells wafted,
ngoh hiang, popiah, chicken wings.
and you loved kfc.
so goodbye for now.
goodbye to your wonderful dishes, birthday gifts,
the nagging, your favourite songs,
your suffering and pain. but most of all,
goodbye to you.
i'll see you in heaven, por-por.
---
many many grateful thanks to all who came to the wake or sms-ed me. really felt much better & more comforted. it's been a roller-coaster ride. i can't describe my emotions much; but shock & sadness pretty much sums it up. now i'm better though. i know she's resting in His arms. leaving you with a few words from Wordsworth's Ode: Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood:
"Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind".
illuminated. 3:09 PM
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
to all my friends and brothers-n-sisters in Christ, thanks for all the encouragement, prayers, verses & all. it's been a really trying week. my emotions seem to have been spent. i can't summon up the energy to smile & joke much. only had a good laugh on sunday night. it made me forget the worries and all that's happened for a while.
i'm fine, really. just that i don't feel like doing anything. i've lost my drive. i don't feel like going to school and sitting through lit lects. i don't feel like going to church. i don't feel like talking on msn. i don't feel like participating in the festive CNY traditions. i don't feel like dwelling on nonsensical gibberish like what kinda party i'm going to/what movie to watch/what new clothes to wear for CNY.
looks like i really need some hibernation time. really wish i could run away from it all. but no, i gotta shoulder on & move forward. food's my great comfort; but Jesus is my refuge. only now do i realize how much more i can & must depend on Him.
anyways, i shall look on the brighter side of life. someone told me that my grandma can live longer if i really pray more & believe in healing. and sunday's backup was fine though i had feedback i was a bit soft. but then, what people think don't really matter to me no more. to compliments i say thank you; to constructive criticism as well.
izzy...out.
illuminated. 11:44 PM
Saturday, January 21, 2006
news just hit me today that my grandma is dying. very soon she'll be gone. all i'm left with now is a swirl of emotions within. i need an escape from the world & all its goings-on. funny how life is; only when death pops up do you fully realize how inconsequential and insignificant the pursuits we undertake are. but it's not only realization, you actually believe in the above-mentioned now. what an ecclesiastical vibe - meaningless, meaningless. everything is meaningless.
one voice in me says: let her go. Heaven is where she will find eternal peace, healing & rest.
the other voice whispers: but i don't want to.
my encouragement from Donne :
DEATH be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee,
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,
Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie.
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell,
And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,
And better then thy stroake; why swell'st thou then;
One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.
and my promise to You from "You Are" :
in the time of trouble, of this will I be sure- that I will bless the Lord forever.
illuminated. 12:29 AM
Thursday, January 19, 2006
mutability.
bit by bit, i'm regaining my voice. hip hip hoorayy!! thank You.
Wordsworth and Coleridge running through my mind now; of Wordsworth and his aching joys and dizzy raptures, and of Coleridge in laudanum-laced stupors that brought about his fragments of poetry. fully in school mode, i am.
which reminds me of what a tutor from my module, The Craft of Writing(it's a compulsory module! i can't escape from it), said: when we write, we must write deep from our hearts. quite to my surprise, i sniggered. uncontrollably at that. (not good for a first impression!) maybe it was the way she said it: full of sincerity and belief in that phrase itself.
now if i really wrote deep from my heart, what horrors shall be unearthed? what is actually contained within the recesses of my heart? must i write full of passion & emotion, or move my hand with intellect and reason? or should it be that all i write must be from God, since i should love Him with all my heart, mind, body, soul?
my heart is but a mass, or to be more accurate, a mess, of melancholy cheerfulness resolve anger peace appreciation disappointment praises delight discontentment fear facts truths and so on.
so from henceforth, i write about everything...
and yet nothing at all.
illuminated. 12:15 AM
Monday, January 16, 2006
lost for words.
i'm really speechless now. i sound like a croaking toad + a testosterone-hyped voice. AARRGGHHH!!
i hate losing my voice. it's most depressing to want to speak and yet you're hindered by your lack of a voice. well still i must thank God that there's no pain felt in my throat now. now i must be on the road to recovery.
bring back, O bring back, O bring back my darling *voice* to me, to me...
illuminated. 2:22 PM
Thursday, January 12, 2006
waxing lyrical.
so school's officially started for me. attended a 3h lecture on Shakespeare yesterday on Richard II. the poor king who got unking'd! [by the way, the Queen's name in the play is Isabel. (: ] when you reflect, it's quite amazing to actually see how much the standard of english has dropped. in Shakespeare's time, words were like smooth-flowing rivers that tinkled sweetly to the ears, like "my soul with inward nothing trembles" ; modern Singapore & modern Singaporeans have jarred & marred the beauty of that language with "n0 loRxx"s and "mii is shoo sadz"s. i wonder how much english will be changed by the year 2020? scary thought.
been down with a sore throat after chocolate cake at cartel. added to that was the free Venti Rhumba frappe. now it's much better but i've got slight flu! AGAIN. the last time i was sick was the 2nd week of December. notice that the span between my falling ill is only 1 month?! my body's gettin' weak, but do not fail me yet, my immunity system! i shall NOT be sick. must've been the rain (reminds me of Narnia and the incessant snowing.) wish the rain would stop! never longed for the sun's rays and its warmth so much. off to dinner & readings now. adieu!
illuminated. 10:19 PM
Monday, January 09, 2006
silent reverie.
the rain- its rhythmic patter and that sweet cool breeze. and the picture- it brings with it a keen nostalgia, a reminiscence that should be all but banished. i remember:
the somewhat girly pretense; the giddy excitement; the warmth of your company; being tucked in a cosy corner of delifrance; the chase after to send me back; the rush of delight at surprise visits; the last time we spoke; the slow drift apart of lives that once intertwined.
what is so delightful and yet burdensome about the past is that we can relive its glory, its joys, its sorrows, over & over again, with each time revealing insights new and perspectives changed.
i say: celebrate life; it'll never pass by you the same way twice.
illuminated. 12:57 AM
Friday, January 06, 2006
in contemplation.
yes, we've all heard the mary & martha tale.
yes, we all don't want to be martha-ish: scurrying all over, busying herself with serving Jesus, frustrated at her sister's lack of involvement.
yes, i know that i may be taking on too many responsibilities; maybe i'll be giving of myself too much until i get burnt out.
yes/no: is it possible then, in all one's busy-ness & undertakings, to still have a close relationship with God? some say it's not God's will for us to get involved in so many things; that what He wants is someone like mary: quietly sitting, seeking Jesus.
no, i shall not let the busy-ness engulf my spirit or quench the Holy Spirit in me.
no, i don't know if i've made the right choice, but i will make the best out of it.
yes/no: balance is the key- that you put your heart & soul into serving Him, but even as you serve, you take time off to recharge & seek Him in solitude.
(sometimes, too many opinions spoil izzy's broth.)
illuminated. 9:44 PM
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Prerequisite
I prayed for strength when life pulsed low
Until God answered me:
"Go, lift the load of weary ones
Then I will strengthen thee."
I asked for courage when hope despaired,
Then came a voice benign:
"Inspire with faith thy brother's soul,
And I'll inspire thine."
I longed for light when darkness made
Me stumble through the night:
"Thy lamp held high for others' feet
Will make this pathway bright."
I prayed that wisdom, talent, skill
Increase their meager store:
"First, share the portions that you have,
And i will give thee more."
At length I learned that blessings sought,
And help for which I pray,
Are only mine when shed abroad
And given, first away.
Leila Grace Bassford
illuminated. 1:46 AM
Monday, January 02, 2006
a bad start to this new year.
sometimes i really hate myself. this is one of those times.
illuminated. 7:55 PM
Tan Kim Kee
izzabelle/izzy/bel.