Friday, September 30, 2005
fall to pieces.
i hate being undermined. and i hate the reason why i am undermined- because i look young. i hate it when people go, "Oh! Thought you were in secondary school or jc" or when they say "you look reaaally long..u should be in secondary school instead!" or sometimes even jokes. i hate it when they placate me: "Oh, it's always good to look young."
Can somebody not see me for me? Can nobody acknowledge i am a person of not-so-immature thinking? (i don't profess to be that mature yet, i'm but nineteen years old.)
i hate it when people look through me. i hate it when people speak as if i am not there. okay fine, everybody doesn't like this.
i hate having no purpose in a certain area that i have been chosen/called to help out & serve in. I hate losing the purpose, if there even is any. i hate the tears that just roll down my cheeks because i feel i am not contributing, i am not valuable, i am not required. i hate my emotions that i express to be misintepreted.
i am not unwilling! i am not! i want to give so much but i can't seem to! i don't know how to, i don't know...anything.
mebbe, in the end...
i hate me.
illuminated. 11:09 PM
a-musing.
nightingale! now in enting's hall room. hoho. hope i'm not disturbing her beauty sleep. it's 3:45 am and i'm awake at this ungodly hour doin god-knows-what. guess i'm bored of studying(i have a test tomorrow!) and i haven't been blogging.
i ''heart'' you?! recently, or rather since getting into NTU, i've been faced with people around me cultivating relationships or being confused about relationships. by relationship, i mean BGR (duh). thank God i am not "burdened" such problems now, on my own personal part i mean. i've decided against getting involved in relationships beyond the friend level. (:
oh happy day! -_- am finally feeling the strain & stress of skool. so far it's been pretty slack fer me. (is it just my attitude or the course i'm in?) but having to write three essays ain't no joke, lemme tell you that. can't imagine my later years as an engrish student..drowning in book after book, and the thickness of my spectacle lenses getting thicker each year. argh! i protest; i shan't be a bookworm.
everywhere i go i'll sing it! convicted of issues on worship. God has been faithful to me and reveals to me more and more each day. i just pray i'll grow even more and deeper in love for Him. :)
"if we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown himself." - 2 Timothy 2:13
illuminated. 3:44 AM
Thursday, September 22, 2005
so you would come.
extremely blessed & wonderful time at Crossroads today! it was an evangelical concert, and we had many different songs sung by crusaders(including me & the babes!). i was really touched by all the songs sung..like "Testify to Love" by Avalon, "When God Ran", an original composition "When the Sun Sets". we gurls sang "So You Would Come", and i'm sure the lyrics really spoke & were meaningful to those present.
an episode from "Touched by an Angel" was also shown. many people were tearing/crying..even guys. haha. sentimental eh. but the show was really moving. i wanted to cry like..at probably 5 different intervals during the whole course of Crossroads today. i don't know why; God truly was moving and convicted me of some issues. mebbe i was really tired too..and was affected by an earlier situation. it's never nice, nor am i in a place to judge, and i really don't want to now though i was quite put off.
all in all, really a fruitful & blessed time spent late in skool. (: i hitched a lift back too! wonderful luxury to ride in a car home fer once. now i'm off to snooze; slept at 5am today doing a dumb essay!
-- every tear you've cried, is precious in His eyes;
Because of His great love, He gave His only son --
illuminated. 11:08 PM
Monday, September 19, 2005
dancing on the moon.
i've not eaten a single mooncake at all in the days leading up to the MOONCAKE festival(yes, not mid-autumn festival). how utterly sad don't you think. i'm not participating in chinese tradition at all! ah but who cares. i'm too much a banana.
issue on friends recently cropped up. i don't know why she's so bitter and cynical. wait, i retract that. i know. i've experienced disappointment, hypocrisy, ridicule, you name it, i experienced it. took me a long time to get out of that depression and to actually believe in something called friendship again. relying on God for help & strength slowly, bit by bit, pulled me out of that abyss. i can only pray that she realises life doesn't hand out bitter chocolates to her; it's her taste buds that have turned sour.
anyway, i've skipped my first lecture of the new week of school re-opening! ahh..truant in the making. hahaha. well that was b'coz i had insomnia for the past 2 nights. thinking & mulling & agonising. it rained heavily bout the time i was due to leave too..soo..i guess God wanted me to sleep comfortably today! ahaha =D still i'm going back fer kickboxing.
blessed week to all!!
illuminated. 3:17 PM
Thursday, September 15, 2005
SNOW WHITE IS THE FAIREST OF ALL!
i'm using my new ibook! snow white! whoo-hoo (: unfortunately there is no font size editing or for changing colour here. stoopid.
well the one week break's been great. went to eat at nydc, cafe cartel. shopped at bugis and spent a bomb! realised that i have THREE essays to write. oh mannn. i haven't written a single one! haha.
oh..did i tell you how much i loooveeee my laptop?
LOTS AND LOTS!!!!! =D
illuminated. 11:00 PM
Monday, September 12, 2005
liberazion
i finally slept for TWELVE hours!!! i miss the holiday times..where i was such a bedbug. hahaha. so yeah, now i have a one-week break. :)) gonna relax a lil'. thank God i don't have any tests yet. have only 2 assignments to complete.
went totally crazy at speedlight practice on sunday. came up with lots of funny actions. goodness me. mebbe i wuz too tired. usually i'm at my lamest when i'm really drained. anyways, i think i really have to get into the grooove on sunday! since i proposed the actions fer the choir to do. oops. hahaha! well gonna be an exciting change for the choir to experience and also for us to encourage the youth to be free in their expression.
digression: sometimes, don't you think 'jumping' is overrated? why do we have to jump when we are singing praise songs? is it a must? must we follow the trends of the youth christian fellowship in churches all over? i don't like to jump or be too hyper, because that would be kinda exhibitionist to a certain extent. i've mulled over this for ages; ever since i stepped into lighthouse/served in ministry. well, since my younger days as a speedlighter, i've come to change my opinions somewhat. we are youths filled wit energy! if we really want to praise God, our whole body, spirit, soul will want to. that's why there is physical expression manifested in jumping. i do not think it's wrong; i think in 'jumping' you must still worship God and not focus on your external actions, how you present yourself, or what people'll think of you.
"if the Son sets you free, you are free indeed."
- ARE YOU?
illuminated. 3:28 PM
Friday, September 09, 2005
NIGHTTIME.
this unkempt, disheveled chinese national-looking man suddenly looms up and says in chinese "little miss, can you come here for a while? i want to ask you something."
i smile quickly, shake "no" and clatter away into the ensuing darkness. my heart nearly had stopped for the tiniest fraction of a moment.
aljunied: the way- fraught with wariness and adrenaline, ending once i reach the civilisation of the mrt station.
there're cyclists ringing their bells irritatingly at obstruction of their way. old faded mangy men stumbling, shuffling, croaking. a middle-aged woman cackling to herself at the underpass. who are they? the Other. no, no, not me at all.
i shudder at the memory; yet it draws me in and i will yet return.
THE HORROR! THE HORROR!
inspiration: Conrad, Heart of Darkness
illuminated. 11:04 PM
Thursday, September 08, 2005
what it all means.
click of the tongue.
short snapping syllables-
chop, the chop.
the outward does not project true feeling.
i grate, i irritate
flashes of black emanate,
radiate- my unhealthy aura.
the inner repulsion, dissatisfaction of what is me.
morning dew that evaporates
light creeps, creeping
to blind, expose, destroy
and all is lost; i seek to discover yet again.
illuminated. 11:48 PM
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
the blur queene
these two days have been terrible! yesterday was total klutz day for me. i managed to get two bruises, one on my thigh and another on my hand. bahh. and i dropped many things; no easy feat to pick them up considering i'm wearing a skirt.
today(tuesday) i was late for french class by 20 minutes. je suis desole! and then i ate alone in the canteen! now who's the friendless one jing? haha. and i only realised at 2pm that i have a tutorial at 1:30pm!! ohmigawdd. i'm getting blur-er by the day. so now i've gotta go for tutorials tomorrow, meaning i'll miss discipleship group as it clashes. darn darn.
doesn't help that i'm going fer my first-ever tuition assignment later at 7pm! gonna be the professeur for two straight hours. imagine. i'd probably get sick of my own voice. andd..i've yet to prepare my sharing for NTU cell. goodness me. so many things to do, and so little time.
now i'm gonna be late for lecture! ciao!
illuminated. 2:12 PM
Friday, September 02, 2005
back in Kansas.
man it feels good to be back home. just like dorothy clicking her red shoes and wishing that'd she'll be whisked back to home sweet home. been spending mucho time crashing a friend's hall room. meaning that i can wake up MUCH MUCH later for class! (: yay.
just skipped my tutorial and cinematic class coz of baadd cramps. stewpid. ah well. this week's been one chock full of shakespeare love poetry, horror film reviewings, psychoanalytic criticism and french of course =D
and already i can't wait for the one week holiday to start.
illuminated. 3:56 PM
izzabelle/izzy/bel.